The purchase the world plan

Or "An attempt to achieve world domination by purchasing every other country."

One of the biggest problems with the world is that so few of its residents are American. We have tried to remedy this situation in the past through widespread immigration. However our ability to absorb foreigners and make them American cannot keep pace with the rest of the world’s ability to make new foreigners.

Recently it seems that our policy has changed to an attempt to kill all foreigners. This plan has many drawbacks, namely dead Americans, dead foreigners, high cost and again an inability to keep up with the production of new foreigners. Even if carried out successfully this policy will result in the death of many attractive Polish and Czech women and thus cannot be allowed.

My alternative plan is to purchase each country in the world one by one. Move its citizens to America, split up the money we paid them for their country amongst them, allow them to assimilate, and resettle their country with native-born Americans. Rinse and repeat. We could start with the smallest country (Nauru) and work our way up to China and India. Sure it would take a long time, but not as long as killing everyone; and we get to spare those hot Eastern European women.

Before everyone says ‘Oh the French will never sell.’ The French are businesspeople like everyone else. They recognize a good real estate deal when the see one (See: Louisiana Purchase). We just need to offer them a euro amount that makes sense.

Note: This blog post originally ran several years ago on a different blog.